Chinese Movie Review Christmas Special: It's A Drink! It's A Bomb!

There are not a whole lot of Chinese Christmas movies.  That's actually a good thing, because it means that when Hong Kong does make a Christmas movie, it's likely to be the weirdest, most WTF Christmas movie you've ever seen.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for It's A Drink! It's A Bomb!
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.8 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.4 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	It's A Drink! It's A Bomb!
Director	David Chung
Actors	John Shum, George Lam, Maggie Cheung
Year	1985
Format Viewed	Universe DVD 5169

Also please note:  The title of this Hong Kong film is It's A Drink!  It's A Bomb!  From the Gweilo's perspective, nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite like a movie named "It's A Drink!  It's A Bomb!"

Movie Review: Kung Fu Hip Hop

I'm pretty sure Kung Fu Hip Hop was conceived of by a marketing director.  I picture some fat guy who despises youth culture, chomping a cigar in a dark room somewhere in Beijing.  He calls in his director, Fu Huayang, and starts shouting:  “What do kids these days like?  Shut up, I'll tell you what they like!  They like hip hop!  They like dancing!  And who the hell doesn't like kung fu?!  So, go go Go!  Make me a movie with hip hop kung fu dancing.  Or kung fu hip hop dancing.  I don't give a damn, as long as the kids line up and buy the tickets.  Go!  Why are you still here, looking at me like I'm crazy?”

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Kung Fu Hip Hop
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	1.3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Kung Fu Hip Hop
Director	Fu Huayang
Actors	Fan Bingbing, Jordan Chan, Poppin Hyne Joan
Year	2008
Format Viewed	VCD Kam & Ronson KAM2927 What is a VCD?

Thus, Kung Fu Hip Hop was born. And how could it miss? It's got “awesome” kung fu, “awesome” DJ-ing, “awesome” “hip hop” “dancing”, “awesome” “rap.” Wait, why all the scare quotes? Well...

Movie Review: Taoism Drunkard

"The grandmother really knows how to calculate. Therefore, I have to be roasted."
I think it's safe to say: This is not a dilemma anybody has ever faced at any time. 
Except in this movie!

Wow!  Just wow!  I don't even know how to start this Chinese movie review, except to say this is quite possibly the weirdest, strangest, most utterly bizarre film I have ever seen.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Taoism Drunkard
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Taoism Drunkard
Director	Yuen Chung Yan
Actors	Yuen Chung Yan, Yuen Yat Choh, Yuen Shun Yi
Year	1984
Format Viewed	VCD (Fortune Star JS/VCD/3104/HK) What is a VCD?

It would be easy to jest (hur, hur, hur!) that director Yuen Chung Yan, and everyone else in the cast and crew, must have been as drunk as the film's hero when Taoism Drunkard was created.  But I don't believe they were.

Movie Review: We're Going to Eat You

I looked at the cover of this Chinese movie.   I saw the title.  We're Going To Eat You!?  Finally!   A Hong Kong produced Chinese zombie movie!

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for We're Going to Eat You
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.8 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	We're Going to Eat You
Director	Tsui Hark
Actors	Norman Chu, Eddie Ko Hung, Melvin Wong, Michelle Yim
Year	1980
Format Viewed	VCD (Mei Ah VCD937) What is a VCD?

But there were no zombies.  What was I thinking?  Hong Kong never had many zombie movies.  But they did have a whole bunch of this kind of movie.

Movie Review: Devil Fetus

Hong Kong cinema is nothing if not inventive!  Sometimes a low budget, a tight schedule, or other restrictions can lead to some really creative movie making in Chinese movies. 

For example, a lot of quickly produced low-budget kung fu movies from the '70s had skilled martial artists but little money for props, special effects, or convincing-looking weapons.  A unique film aesthetic developed from this that I like to call the make-anything-a-weapon film technique.  Two combatants would be fighting on the mostly empty movie set.  The first would pick up whatever is at hand, let's say a chair, and suddenly he's wielding the chair like a pro, whirling it around his head and using it to “chair” his opponent violently through the window.  The opponent lands hard, right next to a garden hose, which he picks up and whips around like he's been training with hoses all his life.  His enemy gets “hosed” with extreme prejudice until he crashes into a passing badger, which he picks up . . . well, you get the picture.  Whatever will they use next as a weapon? becomes a big part of the fun of watching this kind of thing.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Devil Fetus
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.7 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Devil Fetus
Director	Liu Hung Chuen
Actors	Shirley Lui, Ngaai Dik, Lo Pooi Pooi, Lau Dan, Ho Pak-Kwong
Year	1983
Format Viewed	VCD (Deltamac / Fortunestar VCD 7082)

What does this have to do with Devil Fetus?  This film brilliantly takes the make-anything-a-weapon film technique of a low-budget kung fu movie, but adapts it for the horror movie genre, inventing its own make-anything-be-"haunted" technique.  From the Gweilo's perspective, this makes for enormous fun!  You will spend most of the movie wondering Whatever will turn out to be “haunted” next?  A haunted car?  Check.  A haunted dog?  Check.  A haunted fetus?  Well, obviously!  A haunted steam room with moving walls?  OK, sure.  A haunted bedroom set?  Now that's just silly!  A haunted dog-entrail-eating cousin-raping teenage boy?  Wait, WTF kind of movie am I watching?!