Movie Review: Kung Fu Hip Hop

I'm pretty sure Kung Fu Hip Hop was conceived of by a marketing director.  I picture some fat guy who despises youth culture, chomping a cigar in a dark room somewhere in Beijing.  He calls in his director, Fu Huayang, and starts shouting:  “What do kids these days like?  Shut up, I'll tell you what they like!  They like hip hop!  They like dancing!  And who the hell doesn't like kung fu?!  So, go go Go!  Make me a movie with hip hop kung fu dancing.  Or kung fu hip hop dancing.  I don't give a damn, as long as the kids line up and buy the tickets.  Go!  Why are you still here, looking at me like I'm crazy?”

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Kung Fu Hip Hop
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	1.3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Kung Fu Hip Hop
Director	Fu Huayang
Actors	Fan Bingbing, Jordan Chan, Poppin Hyne Joan
Year	2008
Format Viewed	VCD Kam & Ronson KAM2927 What is a VCD?

Thus, Kung Fu Hip Hop was born. And how could it miss? It's got “awesome” kung fu, “awesome” DJ-ing, “awesome” “hip hop” “dancing”, “awesome” “rap.” Wait, why all the scare quotes? Well...

Movie Review: The Little Drunken Masters

It's a movie staring kids.  I think I'll pass.
But it's a Chinese movie where all the kids do Kung Fu.  It might be mildly amusing, but...

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The Little Drunken Masters
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.9 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.8 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The Little Drunken Masters
Director	Stanley Sui Wing
Actors	Carman Lee, Willie Chi, Xiong Xin Xin
Year	1995
Format Viewed	VCD Mei Ah VCD137 What is a VCD?

But it's a Chinese movie where the kids do all their own stunts, and the filmmaker has no qualms about dangling them from bridges, dropping them off tall ladders, throwing them against walls...  Oh really?
And the kids have to get really drunk to fight.  Color me intrigued!

"Give me liquor!"
How a 7-year-old starts the day right in Little Drunken Masters

Movie Review: Ghost for Sales

As I was preparing to post my review of Chinese movie Ghost for Sales today, I learned that the star of this movie, Ricky Hui, died this morning.  This is sad, of course.  Ricky Hui starred in dozens of golden era Hong Kong movies, and his distinctive looks, his understated comedic acting style, and his deft martial artistry were a reliable staple of so many weird and goofy movies.  That he died on the day I posted my first review of him seems like the kind of coincidence that would only happen in the world of a Hong Kong movie.   RIP, Ricky Hui.  Such as it is, this movie review is for you.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Ghost for Sales
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.2 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Ghost for Sales
Director	Guy Lai
Actors	Ricky Hui, Sheila Chan, Wilson Lam, Shing Fui-On, Maggie Sui,
Year	1991
Format Viewed	VCD Wide Sight WCVCD1160 What is a VCD?

You might think that a movie titled Ghost for Sales would have a ghost that was for sale.  Or perhaps a salesman of ghosts, trying to ply his trade.  Or perhaps a ghostly sales clerk, or a ghostly job seeker, looking for some employment in sales.  But this is a Hong Kong produced Chinese movie, not a Hollywood film.  So of course this movie is none of those things.  Instead, Ghost for Sales is a delightfully mixed up, Three-Stooges-style knock off of Ghost Busters.

Movie Review: Taoism Drunkard

"The grandmother really knows how to calculate. Therefore, I have to be roasted."
I think it's safe to say: This is not a dilemma anybody has ever faced at any time. 
Except in this movie!

Wow!  Just wow!  I don't even know how to start this Chinese movie review, except to say this is quite possibly the weirdest, strangest, most utterly bizarre film I have ever seen.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Taoism Drunkard
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Taoism Drunkard
Director	Yuen Chung Yan
Actors	Yuen Chung Yan, Yuen Yat Choh, Yuen Shun Yi
Year	1984
Format Viewed	VCD (Fortune Star JS/VCD/3104/HK) What is a VCD?

It would be easy to jest (hur, hur, hur!) that director Yuen Chung Yan, and everyone else in the cast and crew, must have been as drunk as the film's hero when Taoism Drunkard was created.  But I don't believe they were.

Movie Review: Spooky Family

I think I can guess how this Chinese movie got made.  Some producer thought it would be a good idea to cash in on the huge and lucrative Addams Family craze of 1990 (you'll have to stay with me here).  So director Chin Yuet Sang begin his film with a shot of the "Spooky Family" posing together in a recognizable Addams Family style, while the Addams Family theme music played (with one note different, to make it an "original" song!)

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Spooky Family
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.4 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Spooky Family
Director	Chin Yuet Sang
Actors	Kent Cheng, Nina Li Chi, Pauline Wong, Sandra Ng, Billy Lau, Peter Chan Lung
Year	1990
Format Viewed	VCD (China Star Entertainment Group, WF50103V)

At this point, about twenty seconds into the movie, the director must have said "Screw this!  The Addams Family is not huge and lucrative, as my stupid producer thinks.  I'm going to make my own movie!"  So, after less than a minute into the film, the director tore up the script and threw out the premise.  The movie struck off entirely on its own...

Movie Review: The God of Cookery

The God of Cookery is a funny, funny movie from the Gweilo's perspective.  That's partly because it is intended to be funny--it is a comedy after all--and partly because the humor translates so strangely from the Chinese context to the American.  The movie is a take-off on Japan's very popular (at the time) Iron Chef TV program.  Except this movie is what Iron Chef should have been like:  A cooking competition with shotguns, mysterious uninvited Buddhist monks, remote-controlled bombs, magical fairies, dancing judges, and lots of kung fu.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The God of Cookery
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The God of Cookery
Director	Stephen Chow
Actors	Stephen Chow, Karen Mok, Ng Man-Tat, Vincent Kok
Year	1996
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe U333 VCD 1485)

This is cooking where the kung fu is sometimes used for fighting, but is more often applied directly to the art of cooking, such as various kung fu styles of frying.  Also, the pinnacle of culinary success in the world of this film is a dish called “Exploding Pissing Beef Balls.”  Yes it is.  And to top it off, Stephen Chow's movie presents a remarkably engaging story in spite of all the silliness involved.

Movie Review: Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

The main focus of Gweilo's Guide is the extremely zany Hong Kong films of the 80s and 90s.  I don't review a whole lot of current Hong Kong movies.  But Detective Dee is an exception since it's directed by Tsui Hark, a veteran of the golden era and a true master of extremely silly movie-making.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	4 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame
Director	Tsui Hark
Actors	Andy Lau, Li Bing Bing, Chao Deng, Carina Lau,Tony Leung Ka-Fai
Year	2010
Format Viewed	In the Theater!

Detective Dee is delightfully absurd.  The main “secret” weapon used by the bad guys in this movie is … actually, before I tell you, try to guess.  Really.  Run anything that could be an evil force's main weapon through your mind, no matter how unlikely.  I'll tell you what it actually is at the end of this review.  But you'll never guess.  In the mean time, I'll run down a few scenes and features of this film that definitely make Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame worth watching from the Gweilo's perspective.