Chinese Movie Review: The Return of Pom Pom

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The Return of Pom Pom
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.2 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.4 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The Return of Pom Pom
Director	Philip Chan
Actors	Richard Ng, John Shum, Deannie Yip, Lam Ching Ying, Kara Hui, Philip Chan, James Tin Jun
Year	1984
Format Viewed	VCD Fortune Star JS/VCD/3338/HK What is a VCD?

Just how far into the closet is it possible for a movie to be?  This seems to be the question that director Philip Chan set out to discover with his 1984 classic Chinese movie, The Return of Pom Pom.

Movie Review: The Little Drunken Masters

It's a movie staring kids.  I think I'll pass.
But it's a Chinese movie where all the kids do Kung Fu.  It might be mildly amusing, but...

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The Little Drunken Masters
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.9 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.8 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The Little Drunken Masters
Director	Stanley Sui Wing
Actors	Carman Lee, Willie Chi, Xiong Xin Xin
Year	1995
Format Viewed	VCD Mei Ah VCD137 What is a VCD?

But it's a Chinese movie where the kids do all their own stunts, and the filmmaker has no qualms about dangling them from bridges, dropping them off tall ladders, throwing them against walls...  Oh really?
And the kids have to get really drunk to fight.  Color me intrigued!

"Give me liquor!"
How a 7-year-old starts the day right in Little Drunken Masters

Movie Review: Ghost for Sales

As I was preparing to post my review of Chinese movie Ghost for Sales today, I learned that the star of this movie, Ricky Hui, died this morning.  This is sad, of course.  Ricky Hui starred in dozens of golden era Hong Kong movies, and his distinctive looks, his understated comedic acting style, and his deft martial artistry were a reliable staple of so many weird and goofy movies.  That he died on the day I posted my first review of him seems like the kind of coincidence that would only happen in the world of a Hong Kong movie.   RIP, Ricky Hui.  Such as it is, this movie review is for you.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Ghost for Sales
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.2 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.6 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Ghost for Sales
Director	Guy Lai
Actors	Ricky Hui, Sheila Chan, Wilson Lam, Shing Fui-On, Maggie Sui,
Year	1991
Format Viewed	VCD Wide Sight WCVCD1160 What is a VCD?

You might think that a movie titled Ghost for Sales would have a ghost that was for sale.  Or perhaps a salesman of ghosts, trying to ply his trade.  Or perhaps a ghostly sales clerk, or a ghostly job seeker, looking for some employment in sales.  But this is a Hong Kong produced Chinese movie, not a Hollywood film.  So of course this movie is none of those things.  Instead, Ghost for Sales is a delightfully mixed up, Three-Stooges-style knock off of Ghost Busters.

Movie Review: The Red Panther

The best thing about watching (and reviewing!) obscure Chinese movies from the Gweilo's perspective is that you are carried into a cinematic world that is entirely different from anything you've ever seen before.   The Red Panther, an obscure 1983 Hong Kong film from director Kong Lung, definitely fits this bill. 

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The Red Panther
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.7 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.3 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.7 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The Red Panther
Director	Kong Lung
Actors	James Yi, Margaret Lee, John Chang, Lawrence Cheng
Year	1983
Format Viewed	Megastar VCD MS/VCD/234/HK What is a VCD?

From the opening scene of this Chinese movie, where characters eat bananas, inexplicably blow up inflatable pool toys, and seek “toilet pepper” while enjoying an “opera” performance that looks like it's taking place in a bus station, it is obvious that this film was not made with any kind of international or Western audience in mind.  Let's start with the film's genre:

Movie Review: Taoism Drunkard

"The grandmother really knows how to calculate. Therefore, I have to be roasted."
I think it's safe to say: This is not a dilemma anybody has ever faced at any time. 
Except in this movie!

Wow!  Just wow!  I don't even know how to start this Chinese movie review, except to say this is quite possibly the weirdest, strangest, most utterly bizarre film I have ever seen.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Taoism Drunkard
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Taoism Drunkard
Director	Yuen Chung Yan
Actors	Yuen Chung Yan, Yuen Yat Choh, Yuen Shun Yi
Year	1984
Format Viewed	VCD (Fortune Star JS/VCD/3104/HK) What is a VCD?

It would be easy to jest (hur, hur, hur!) that director Yuen Chung Yan, and everyone else in the cast and crew, must have been as drunk as the film's hero when Taoism Drunkard was created.  But I don't believe they were.

Movie Review: Spooky Family

I think I can guess how this Chinese movie got made.  Some producer thought it would be a good idea to cash in on the huge and lucrative Addams Family craze of 1990 (you'll have to stay with me here).  So director Chin Yuet Sang begin his film with a shot of the "Spooky Family" posing together in a recognizable Addams Family style, while the Addams Family theme music played (with one note different, to make it an "original" song!)

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Spooky Family
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.4 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Spooky Family
Director	Chin Yuet Sang
Actors	Kent Cheng, Nina Li Chi, Pauline Wong, Sandra Ng, Billy Lau, Peter Chan Lung
Year	1990
Format Viewed	VCD (China Star Entertainment Group, WF50103V)

At this point, about twenty seconds into the movie, the director must have said "Screw this!  The Addams Family is not huge and lucrative, as my stupid producer thinks.  I'm going to make my own movie!"  So, after less than a minute into the film, the director tore up the script and threw out the premise.  The movie struck off entirely on its own...

Movie Review: Till Death Do We Scare

Her name is "Irene Leen."  An old, Chinese-movie-style fortune teller proclaims this to be a very unlucky last name indeed.  She should have picked a different one.  With a last name like "Leen," she is destined to always be a widow.  After all, it’s the same last name as JFK’s famous widow.  "You know," he says. "Jacqueline!"  Amazing.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Till Death Do We Scare
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	2.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Till Death Do We Scare
Director	Lao Kai Wing
Actors	Olivia Cheng, Alan Tam, David Chiang, Wong Ching, Raymond Wong
Year	1982
Format Viewed	VCD (Media Asia/Megastar MS/VCD219HK)

This is a ludicrous premise, and it leads to a satisfyingly silly Chinese movie.  From the Gweilo's perspective, it seems as though nobody was taking Till Death Do We Scare seriously at any point in its creation.  Which frees up the director for some amazingly absurd scenes.  For example,

Movie Review: Too Many Ways to Be No. 1

Too Many Ways to be No. 1 is possibly the most violent comedy I have ever seen.  At least, I have to assume this Chinese movie is intended to be a comedy.  There is way too much situational humor, way too many unlikely coincidences, way too much goofiness in the directing and cinematography for this to even possibly be intended as a serious drama.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Too Many Ways to be No. 1
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	4 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Too Many Ways to be No. 1
Director	Wai Ka Fi
Actors	Lau Ching Wan, Carman Lee, Frances Ng
Year	1997
Format Viewed	DVD (City Laser & Video Company Limited NDVD 129)  Oddly, this is packaged like a VCD.

Imagine taking Quinten Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, mixing it in a blender with Run Lola Run, adding the silliest tricks of Hong Kong film making, then splattering it with enough blood and gore and severed fingers that you really, honestly have no idea what kind of movie you're watching.  From the Gweilo's perspective...

Movie Review: The God of Cookery

The God of Cookery is a funny, funny movie from the Gweilo's perspective.  That's partly because it is intended to be funny--it is a comedy after all--and partly because the humor translates so strangely from the Chinese context to the American.  The movie is a take-off on Japan's very popular (at the time) Iron Chef TV program.  Except this movie is what Iron Chef should have been like:  A cooking competition with shotguns, mysterious uninvited Buddhist monks, remote-controlled bombs, magical fairies, dancing judges, and lots of kung fu.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The God of Cookery
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Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The God of Cookery
Director	Stephen Chow
Actors	Stephen Chow, Karen Mok, Ng Man-Tat, Vincent Kok
Year	1996
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe U333 VCD 1485)

This is cooking where the kung fu is sometimes used for fighting, but is more often applied directly to the art of cooking, such as various kung fu styles of frying.  Also, the pinnacle of culinary success in the world of this film is a dish called “Exploding Pissing Beef Balls.”  Yes it is.  And to top it off, Stephen Chow's movie presents a remarkably engaging story in spite of all the silliness involved.