Movie Review: Taoism Drunkard

"The grandmother really knows how to calculate. Therefore, I have to be roasted."
I think it's safe to say: This is not a dilemma anybody has ever faced at any time. 
Except in this movie!

Wow!  Just wow!  I don't even know how to start this Chinese movie review, except to say this is quite possibly the weirdest, strangest, most utterly bizarre film I have ever seen.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Taoism Drunkard
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Taoism Drunkard
Director	Yuen Chung Yan
Actors	Yuen Chung Yan, Yuen Yat Choh, Yuen Shun Yi
Year	1984
Format Viewed	VCD (Fortune Star JS/VCD/3104/HK) What is a VCD?

It would be easy to jest (hur, hur, hur!) that director Yuen Chung Yan, and everyone else in the cast and crew, must have been as drunk as the film's hero when Taoism Drunkard was created.  But I don't believe they were.

Special Recipe: Badass Evil Cannibal Chicken Soup

So I was enjoying Tsui Hark's crazy cannibalism movie, We're Going To Eat You.  (You can read my full review of the film here).

I thought: "Cannibalism?  This would be a great film to post a companion recipe to!"

As you might expect, there's a lot of evil, badass cooking in a Tsui Hark cannibalism film.  Most of this cooking involves ingredients like "people" and "people by-products."  But at one point they decide to make chicken soup instead.  Badass Evil Cannibal Chicken Soup!

These cannibals are hungry.  Not only that, they're badass!  They don't want ordinary chicken soup.  No, they want Badass Evil Cannibal Chicken Soup.  Yum Yum!

How is this made? Read on!
(Or don't?  This recipe is not for the moderately squeamish.)

Movie Review: We're Going to Eat You

I looked at the cover of this Chinese movie.   I saw the title.  We're Going To Eat You!?  Finally!   A Hong Kong produced Chinese zombie movie!

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for We're Going to Eat You
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.8 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	We're Going to Eat You
Director	Tsui Hark
Actors	Norman Chu, Eddie Ko Hung, Melvin Wong, Michelle Yim
Year	1980
Format Viewed	VCD (Mei Ah VCD937) What is a VCD?

But there were no zombies.  What was I thinking?  Hong Kong never had many zombie movies.  But they did have a whole bunch of this kind of movie.

What is a VCD?

You may have noticed that in a number of my reviews, I watch most of these movies in a format called VCD.  What is a VCD?

If that's what you want to know, this is the post for you.  If you want to learn some tips and tricks for working with VCDs, this is also the post for you.

Movie Review: Spooky Family

I think I can guess how this Chinese movie got made.  Some producer thought it would be a good idea to cash in on the huge and lucrative Addams Family craze of 1990 (you'll have to stay with me here).  So director Chin Yuet Sang begin his film with a shot of the "Spooky Family" posing together in a recognizable Addams Family style, while the Addams Family theme music played (with one note different, to make it an "original" song!)

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Spooky Family
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.4 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Spooky Family
Director	Chin Yuet Sang
Actors	Kent Cheng, Nina Li Chi, Pauline Wong, Sandra Ng, Billy Lau, Peter Chan Lung
Year	1990
Format Viewed	VCD (China Star Entertainment Group, WF50103V)

At this point, about twenty seconds into the movie, the director must have said "Screw this!  The Addams Family is not huge and lucrative, as my stupid producer thinks.  I'm going to make my own movie!"  So, after less than a minute into the film, the director tore up the script and threw out the premise.  The movie struck off entirely on its own...

Movie Review: Till Death Do We Scare

Her name is "Irene Leen."  An old, Chinese-movie-style fortune teller proclaims this to be a very unlucky last name indeed.  She should have picked a different one.  With a last name like "Leen," she is destined to always be a widow.  After all, it’s the same last name as JFK’s famous widow.  "You know," he says. "Jacqueline!"  Amazing.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Till Death Do We Scare
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	2.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Till Death Do We Scare
Director	Lao Kai Wing
Actors	Olivia Cheng, Alan Tam, David Chiang, Wong Ching, Raymond Wong
Year	1982
Format Viewed	VCD (Media Asia/Megastar MS/VCD219HK)

This is a ludicrous premise, and it leads to a satisfyingly silly Chinese movie.  From the Gweilo's perspective, it seems as though nobody was taking Till Death Do We Scare seriously at any point in its creation.  Which frees up the director for some amazingly absurd scenes.  For example,

Movie Review: Too Many Ways to Be No. 1

Too Many Ways to be No. 1 is possibly the most violent comedy I have ever seen.  At least, I have to assume this Chinese movie is intended to be a comedy.  There is way too much situational humor, way too many unlikely coincidences, way too much goofiness in the directing and cinematography for this to even possibly be intended as a serious drama.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Too Many Ways to be No. 1
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	4 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Too Many Ways to be No. 1
Director	Wai Ka Fi
Actors	Lau Ching Wan, Carman Lee, Frances Ng
Year	1997
Format Viewed	DVD (City Laser & Video Company Limited NDVD 129)  Oddly, this is packaged like a VCD.

Imagine taking Quinten Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, mixing it in a blender with Run Lola Run, adding the silliest tricks of Hong Kong film making, then splattering it with enough blood and gore and severed fingers that you really, honestly have no idea what kind of movie you're watching.  From the Gweilo's perspective...

Movie Review: The God of Cookery

The God of Cookery is a funny, funny movie from the Gweilo's perspective.  That's partly because it is intended to be funny--it is a comedy after all--and partly because the humor translates so strangely from the Chinese context to the American.  The movie is a take-off on Japan's very popular (at the time) Iron Chef TV program.  Except this movie is what Iron Chef should have been like:  A cooking competition with shotguns, mysterious uninvited Buddhist monks, remote-controlled bombs, magical fairies, dancing judges, and lots of kung fu.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The God of Cookery
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The God of Cookery
Director	Stephen Chow
Actors	Stephen Chow, Karen Mok, Ng Man-Tat, Vincent Kok
Year	1996
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe U333 VCD 1485)

This is cooking where the kung fu is sometimes used for fighting, but is more often applied directly to the art of cooking, such as various kung fu styles of frying.  Also, the pinnacle of culinary success in the world of this film is a dish called “Exploding Pissing Beef Balls.”  Yes it is.  And to top it off, Stephen Chow's movie presents a remarkably engaging story in spite of all the silliness involved.